Hello again! I know one of my New Years’ resolutions was to post more on this blog, but life has thrown a lot of curveballs at me in the past few months. Let me explain what’s been going on.
Content warning: eating disorders, depression, anxiety.
I’ve been dealing with a lot of body image issues and disordered eating. After I went vegan, I was eating so healthfully that my mental health was better than it had been in the past eight years. But once college applications rolled around, I became so stressed that I began binge eating. To compensate, my anorexia kicked in. I barely ate during the day. Doing so caused so much hunger at night that I binged. This cycle continued on and on for months.
When I weighed myself for the first time in months, my heart sank. Seeing a number thirty pounds heavier than when the school year started terrified me. My weight and my size was all I could think about for days. Although I was still a healthy weight for my height, I couldn’t stand the thought of weight gain.
I also developed depression, which I have been dealing with for the past few months. My therapist recently diagnosed me with body dysmorphia, so I now have a total of four mental illnesses: anxiety, body dysmorphia, depression, and anorexia. These titles help remind me that I’m not alone, but it doesn’t make my problems any better.
My family and I are currently in Hawaii, which I am so grateful for. At the same time, being in a bathing suit and seeing my insanely fit and slim twin sister only makes my body image issues worse. I have been making an effort to appreciate my body and focus more on health rather than my weight and/or size, which has helped, but exposing my body while I’m so vulnerable has been hard.
In the next few months, I hope to become more fit for my health. My therapist said that strength training, such as weightlifting, is one of the most effective treatments for eating disorders, so I’ll be doing that more. I also want to get back into meditating, and I want to spend more time with my family because they all support me and I’m leaving for college in September. Now that I’m in a better place mentally, I hope to use this blog as a form of therapy to help me further improve.
What have you done for your mental health recently?